Grief Support



We are so sorry for the loss of your baby. You may be surprised at the intensity of your feelings. Expect a difficult time. For a while you may feel empty, depressed, experience intense sadness, or have trouble sleeping. You might find that you fight with your husband, or neglect our other children. You may feel the need to be a child yourself, to be loved and cared for. All this is normal.

You will most likely experience some of these feelings:

» Emptiness
» Intense Sadness
» Crying (sometimes uncontrollably)
» Isolation and loneliness
» Guilt or shame
» Anger
» Loss of interest in everyday life
» Talking about it all the time or finding it too painful to discuss
» Pain or jealousy at the sight of pregnant women, babies or anything related to motherhood


There is no sequence. Even after you have dealt with these feelings, they can recur. Although guilt is a normal part of grief, be reassured that nothing you did or didn't do caused the death of your baby. Your pain will lessen over time as you accept your loss.

Sharing your feelings with your spouse, your doctor, or a friend, can help. In some communities, there are support groups for couples who have experienced pregnancy loss. Turn to God if you find it comforting. Many find great solace in their faith.
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Cry for as long and as often as you feel you need to. Crying is a natural part of the mourning process. As a couple and as individuals, it's important that you allow yourselves this time to grieve.

Expect that some friends and family may not know how to respond, and may withdraw for a while. Others, in trying to help, may make thoughtless comments like "I know how you feel", or "You can have another baby". If they haven't lost a baby, they can't know how it feels, and another baby can never take the place of your baby.

Try not to set too many expectations for yourself. You don't need to add to your anxiety by feeling you should be over this sooner. Be patient with yourself and take the time you need to heal. Remember that no matter what stage your baby dies, you have a right to grieve.
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Making these promises to yourself may help you regain hope in your life:


» I will allow myself to grieve completely, my first step to healing.
» I will seek guidance from loving persons who may offer wisdom and comfort.
» I will recognize the gift in my ability to carry life however briefly.
» I will have a deep compassion and sisterhood to other women who have experienced loss.
» I will trust that once again I will be reunited with my baby in heaven and will fulfill the
   need to hold them in my arms.
» I will feel true comfort in knowing that there is a star in heaven that belongs to me.
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Grieving a loss can be one of the most difficult experiences a couple has to overcome. The keys to coping as a couple are communication and the realization that each person grieves in a different way and at their individual pace.

Your husband may appear to be handling the situation better simply because he feels he has to be strong for his wife, and part of that strength is shielding you from his pain. It doesn't mean he is hurting less. Men grieve differently than women. This is where communication will help you understand each other better.

This is a good time to reaffirm your love for one another. Grieving is often accompanied by so many emotions that sorting through them alone can be a difficult process. Being together or doing little things to acknowledge the positives can assist both partners in their recovery. ......................................................................................
Here are some suggestions for helping you to honor your baby in a special way:

» Plant a tree in your baby's memory.
» Buy a guardian angel pin with the birthstone of the month your baby would have been born.
» Keep a journal. Write about how you felt when you found out you were pregnant, what
   your dreams were, what the loss meant to you.
» Write a letter to your baby expressing your love for him or her. It will give you a chance
   to say the things you never had a chance to.
» Put any keepsakes in a special box. (congratulations cards, condolence cards, wristband
   from hospital, etc.)
» Name a star after your baby.
» Select an item to keep as a special remembrance of your baby.

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Take care of your body by eating properly, exercising, and sleeping well. Your body has been through physical stress and helping it recover will help your emotional outlook as well. It's important to have a follow-up appointment with your physician to make sure you are healing properly.

Take care of your emotions by seeking support from family, friends, a support group, clergy, or a counselor. Most comfort comes from other women who have experienced miscarriage and dealt with it in a healthy way.

» Reading books on miscarriage may help you realize the feelings you're experiencing
   are normal, and that the pain will lessen in time.
» There are several support groups online where you can add a memorial to your baby.
   It also helps to read through others' experiences when you are ready.
» Remember that you are not alone.
» Really take care of yourself. You deserve it!

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Apart from the emotional trauma of expecting and then losing your baby, your body has been adapting to the changes of pregnancy and has to return to normal.

Most physicians recommend that you give your body at least six to eight weeks to return to normal. If you choose, you can safely start trying to conceive again once you have had at least one normal period. But remember to make sure you are ready emotionally as well as physically.
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